Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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