I think my fart just growled at me.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm too high and old for this...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
