God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
