Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
