Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
