Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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