While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
