So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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