JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
