I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
