I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize