I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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