you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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