My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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