i'm lost and i look like a hooker
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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