I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
