break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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