She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
