College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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