Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize