How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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