Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
