my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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