She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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