I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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