what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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