im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
