oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
