If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
