dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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