Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
