I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
