after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
