dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
