I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
