what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
