someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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