What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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