I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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