I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you never un-have a 4some
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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