I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
