I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
