If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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