Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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