My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
