I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize