Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
