I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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