You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
