Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
