Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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