come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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