First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
