I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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