Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
