I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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