You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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