i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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