god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
