next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
